Adventures in Cleansing: No Brownie Points for Me!

I think it was the second day into my cleanse and I was doing fine, until I realized I had to prepare baked goods for Jon's care package. I was going to make homemade chocolate chip cookies and Ghirardelli triple chocolate brownies. When I thought about what was going to happen and what I was going to have to do, I panicked!

Let me tell you how much I love chocolate chip cookie dough and fresh out of the oven, burn your tongue hot, gooey cookies. Devine! What I love even more than that is brownie batter. I love it more than the brownies themselves. I love the chocolate chunks. I love the smell. Most of all I love the grittiness of the batter. I used to buy brownie mix and combine it with a little water and just eat that in a bowl. Embarrassing, but true.

So, when I tell you I was panicking, I really mean I WAS PANICKING. How was I going to get through this process without caving in? I kept telling myself that I could do it, but knowing in my heart that I couldn't. I was close to tears and full of self-loathing. Why was this so hard? Why can't I do something so seemingly easy? Am I crazy for struggling this hard over FOOD?!? Questions turned to accusations. You KNOW you can't do this, so stop trying. How stupid are you that you are letting food BEAT you. You will never get through this cleanse. You are going to fail, AGAIN! You will never be in control, EVER!

Well, from there, things began to change. I knew I was going to fail, so in came the justification. What if I'm allergic to gluten? I'll never get to have brownies and cookies again. Why not indulge a little for old times sake? Let's have a good bye party! It's not bad if this is the last time I'm ever going to eat this stuff, right? So, I gave in and gave my self permission to partake. SIGH

I am getting emotional while I write this. I am sad, because of the way I treated myself. I'm mad that I let this become such a HUGE issue. I knew it was because of the cleanse, because normally I don't deprive myself. I know how I am. If I'm craving something, I need to have it or I will eat out of control trying to satisfy it in other ways. Just thinking of how much mental energy I spent that day makes me exhausted.

I learned from this experience though. I learned that I can't have that stuff around me and expect to NOT indulge if I'm not fully in control (which I obviously wasn't). I learned that I don't have to make that stuff for Jon. This time, I asked my friend to make him healthy snacks for his care package. I learned how horrible I talk to myself. That's NOT ok. I need to work on that. Most importantly, I learned that partaking in the chocolate goodness didn't kill me and it sure wasn't the end of the world.