Reach out before it's too late!

Over the last few months, I have struggled...a lot. The more I struggled, the more I beat myself up. The more I beat myself up, the more I separated myself from others. Once I get in shut down mode, everything goes to hell and I suffer alone. What keeps me from reaching out? Two things. Shame and it's horrible sidekick Pride.

While I was shutting down, I also sensed a general silence among some of my friends. Once contact was made, I found out that they had also been struggling. I am willing to bet that shame and pride were the culprits in their silence as well.

Here's the rub. I know in my heart that if I would have reached out, there would have been plenty of people to encourage me and kick me in the butt. Just like I would be there for my friends in their time of need. I know that I always feel like I don't want to bother people, that maybe I'm not important enough to interrupt someone's daily life to ask for help. I feel ashamed for struggling with the same things over and over and over again. I feel embarrassed because I am a trainer and am still overweight, my pride stops me from reaching out.

Here is my question to you out there struggling. What would you do if someone contacted you and needed some encouragement? You would encourage them! What if someone needed help? You would help them if you could! That makes you a good friend. And doesn't that stand to reason that someone would be willing to do the same for you?!?!

Let's take a leap of faith here and start reaching out. Let's seek help before we start sliding down that slippery slope that ultimately leads to shame and isolation! You're important and a friend is out there ready to help, you just have to ask!

Adventures in Cleansing: No Brownie Points for Me!

I think it was the second day into my cleanse and I was doing fine, until I realized I had to prepare baked goods for Jon's care package. I was going to make homemade chocolate chip cookies and Ghirardelli triple chocolate brownies. When I thought about what was going to happen and what I was going to have to do, I panicked!

Let me tell you how much I love chocolate chip cookie dough and fresh out of the oven, burn your tongue hot, gooey cookies. Devine! What I love even more than that is brownie batter. I love it more than the brownies themselves. I love the chocolate chunks. I love the smell. Most of all I love the grittiness of the batter. I used to buy brownie mix and combine it with a little water and just eat that in a bowl. Embarrassing, but true.

So, when I tell you I was panicking, I really mean I WAS PANICKING. How was I going to get through this process without caving in? I kept telling myself that I could do it, but knowing in my heart that I couldn't. I was close to tears and full of self-loathing. Why was this so hard? Why can't I do something so seemingly easy? Am I crazy for struggling this hard over FOOD?!? Questions turned to accusations. You KNOW you can't do this, so stop trying. How stupid are you that you are letting food BEAT you. You will never get through this cleanse. You are going to fail, AGAIN! You will never be in control, EVER!

Well, from there, things began to change. I knew I was going to fail, so in came the justification. What if I'm allergic to gluten? I'll never get to have brownies and cookies again. Why not indulge a little for old times sake? Let's have a good bye party! It's not bad if this is the last time I'm ever going to eat this stuff, right? So, I gave in and gave my self permission to partake. SIGH

I am getting emotional while I write this. I am sad, because of the way I treated myself. I'm mad that I let this become such a HUGE issue. I knew it was because of the cleanse, because normally I don't deprive myself. I know how I am. If I'm craving something, I need to have it or I will eat out of control trying to satisfy it in other ways. Just thinking of how much mental energy I spent that day makes me exhausted.

I learned from this experience though. I learned that I can't have that stuff around me and expect to NOT indulge if I'm not fully in control (which I obviously wasn't). I learned that I don't have to make that stuff for Jon. This time, I asked my friend to make him healthy snacks for his care package. I learned how horrible I talk to myself. That's NOT ok. I need to work on that. Most importantly, I learned that partaking in the chocolate goodness didn't kill me and it sure wasn't the end of the world.

Adventures in Cleansing: Reset button!

So I decided to do another cleanse the end of July. I had just got back from California, where I ate horribly. Over the past few months my weight had crept back up to 213lbs! I was not in a good place mentally and felt very out of control with my eating. Phycially, I also felt gross. My poor body was wondering what in the hell I was trying to do to it by stuffing it with CRAPPY food. I really just needed a way to refocus and reboot.

The cleanse was a milder version of the one I did in January. It included two smoothies a day plus one meal that included lean protein and veggies and a salad. You could also have two eggs and veggies throughout the day. Basically, no dairy, gluten, or sugar. I also drank my water with unsweetened cranberry juice, which was NASTY, but did seem to get rid of some of my cellulite.

The same day I started this cleanse, I also went to get tested for food allergies. I would also recieve the results the same day I ended the cleanse. I figured that was perfect and I would add or delete things from my diet based on my results.

I learned so much from this two week experience. I lost eight lbs and lots of inches. I regained some focus and gained control. I am looking forward to sharing this experience with you! Again, stay tuned...

Moby Dick

Call Me Shannon. Sorry, couldn’t resist. I have been promising myself that I would blog for a while now and I just couldn’t make myself do it. Any sense of an internal struggle and my mind goes into shut down mode. Yesterday, I was asked on a form how I deal with stress, and I replied, “Avoidance and Denial!” Probably NOT the answer she was looking for, but it was the honest to goodness truth. While that has served me well in the past, it’s time for a new strategy!

I was talking to my fabulous trainer, Megan, a while back and I told her I wanted to amp up my workouts. I wasn’t feeling happy with my fitness level and I’m still overweight.  She asked me how my food was going and I wanted to lie and say it was awesome and totally dialed in, but I couldn’t. It Sucks! My food intake SUUUUUCKS! Well, Megs just flat out told me that she wasn’t going to give me any kind of extra workouts, because it was a waste of both of our time (Um, OUCH! Truth hurts!). I can exercise until the cows come home, but if my food isn’t where it’s supposed to be it doesn’t do me any good (of course, it’s beneficial in other ways, just not for weight loss). I know this! Why is it so freaking hard?

Megan was correct when she said that food is my Moby Dick. I have gotten stronger and my fitness level has improved, but in all the time we’ve worked together, I have NEVER conquered the FOOD! I go through periods when I’m on the money and then something always happens. What is that something? Not enough preparation? Not making time for myself? Stress? Emotional Eating? Yes, all of that.

I’m not going to let this beat me anymore! So how am I going to change this situation? I am attacking this holistically. I am going to spend time improving all areas of my life, actually tuning in and dealing with the issues. It is time to harpoon this stupid whale! Stay tuned…