I had this grand idea to start blogging my journey starting January 1st, but let's face it, I'm a Gemini. I have the best intentions, but am too scattered and busy to actually put "pen to paper". But, here it is March 9th and I find myself really struggling. I have a million thoughts in my head and I just can't seem to sort them out. Of course, that has always been a defense mechanism for me, if I stay busy enough I don't have to check in and actually FEEL something. But, I think it's time. As I said, I'm struggling.
I am going to say right now that I am very happy with the progress I have made in my life. I have lost 60 lbs and have made huge lifestyle changes that I celebrate daily. However, I am stuck, and quite honestly, overwhelmed. I can't get past 197lbs. I can't get my act together to plan and follow a menu. I can't get in a consistant workout routine. Why? I don't know! I think this is why I need to start blogging and figure this stuff out.
I think I know what is going on, but it is only scratching the surface. I AM SCARED. I have a horrible fear of failure and I'm also a perfectionist. When you combine those two things, you get a recipe for a whole lot of NOTHING.
I'm preparing to become a personal trainer and I'm scared I won't be good enough. I have all these negative thoughts bouncing around in my head and they are some zingers. "What makes you think you can be a trainer when you are still fat? You can't even lose the last 27 lbs! How are you going to help anybody?" I know these thoughts are garbage, but they still roam free in my brain. I guess that is what I want to know. How do you replace those thoughts and actually believe the new ones? How do you get past this overwhelming space? Why can't I just make the decision to do this and DO IT?
I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm just trying to process. Bear with me. Hopefully, someone will gain something from my ramblings.
You are good enough! You are knowledgeable, caring, and have the spirit of a warrior. Besides, people want trainers who have been there done that. So many of us have had to battle with weight that we don't want to hear from a fit for life person. That's why we can relate to Megan so well.
ReplyDeleteThe conference is this weekend right? You'll get there find out you know lots more than you give yourself credit for. You'll be fine and do fine.
About the demons - just don't let them in. I know, I know, but really just start focusing on replacing them with kinder, gentler words. Like Nike said, Just do it.
You are beautiful, smart, and strong.
You and I are very similar creatures girl. When I find myself repeating self defeating thoughts over and over again, I find it helpful to pray for peace. I ask God for knowledge of His will and the strength to carry it out.
ReplyDeleteI'm super proud of you for starting this blog! You'll find it to be theraputic all on its own.
Welcome to the "bloggy" club Shan!
Apryl aka The Sophisticated Girl...
You are a strong, smart, gorgeous woman! You can do this. I love you.
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