I had this grand idea to start blogging my journey starting January 1st, but let's face it, I'm a Gemini. I have the best intentions, but am too scattered and busy to actually put "pen to paper". But, here it is March 9th and I find myself really struggling. I have a million thoughts in my head and I just can't seem to sort them out. Of course, that has always been a defense mechanism for me, if I stay busy enough I don't have to check in and actually FEEL something. But, I think it's time. As I said, I'm struggling.
I am going to say right now that I am very happy with the progress I have made in my life. I have lost 60 lbs and have made huge lifestyle changes that I celebrate daily. However, I am stuck, and quite honestly, overwhelmed. I can't get past 197lbs. I can't get my act together to plan and follow a menu. I can't get in a consistant workout routine. Why? I don't know! I think this is why I need to start blogging and figure this stuff out.
I think I know what is going on, but it is only scratching the surface. I AM SCARED. I have a horrible fear of failure and I'm also a perfectionist. When you combine those two things, you get a recipe for a whole lot of NOTHING.
I'm preparing to become a personal trainer and I'm scared I won't be good enough. I have all these negative thoughts bouncing around in my head and they are some zingers. "What makes you think you can be a trainer when you are still fat? You can't even lose the last 27 lbs! How are you going to help anybody?" I know these thoughts are garbage, but they still roam free in my brain. I guess that is what I want to know. How do you replace those thoughts and actually believe the new ones? How do you get past this overwhelming space? Why can't I just make the decision to do this and DO IT?
I'm not looking for a pity party. I'm just trying to process. Bear with me. Hopefully, someone will gain something from my ramblings.
